“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
IT’S-A ME,
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn