Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]