You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
You Might Also Like
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.