This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Don’t tell me what to do
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.