So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother