i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do