I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
…u ok Nintendo?
White Castle for the Win
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!