I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me recordaron éste meme
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only