Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Happy Friday
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.