Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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My kitchen overserved me.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
This is my cat’s medicine.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…