Effort made
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”