He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years