[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”