hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
You Might Also Like
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
This is my brand.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”