As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season