If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”