Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
and this one
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
just got my engagement photos
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.