fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Kermit goes Blue.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.