If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese