I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
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[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*gets down on one knee*
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.