skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.