It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
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I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Wake me when AI does housework
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced