[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*puts my mental health in rice
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that