I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid