I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable