*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
You Might Also Like
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.