I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I can also cook 😂
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.