Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing