If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Wise advice
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.