FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Wednesday
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst