Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
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Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
paddle faster i hear baby shark
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go