7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“OMGJK” -atheists
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.