Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.