I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything