I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
this will hang in the louvre one day