until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Social Media and Real life
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..