Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
consequences, the bane of my existence
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Meow
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You are what you delete.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job