I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.