When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Not even remotely sorry.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.