If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
No. YOU-buprofen.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?