*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Why is no one talking about this?!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best