Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
S M O L
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project