[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I am also baked goods
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.