[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.