“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Lmao
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[eats all your cotton candy]
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.