I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling