[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds