ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.