I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
You have been warned.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.