Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.